COVER STORY: 4th Annual ‘Best of Rant!’ Round-Up

RANT/RAVE has consistently proven itself to be one of WE’s most popular weekly features — where Vancouver comes to vent about the highs and lows (but mostly lows) of urban life. Here we present our keenest, funniest, angriest, and sweariest rants of the past 12 months.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR

This is a breaking news bulletin: The popped collar is no longer in fashion. Please stop wearing it. Failure to do so will result in immediately looking like a douchebag.
Anonymous Rantline caller (June 11)

To all the people who wear boots on hot, sunny days, let me guess: You wear flip-flops in the snow, right? Idiots.
Bill (Sept. 3)

EVERYBODY POOPS

Yeah, hi. I’ve been seeing a lot of rants lately about dog owners not picking up after their dogs. But what concerns me more, really, is humans that poo on the street. I’d much rather step in some dog shit than ever have to witness seeing bum-poo in the middle of the sidewalk first thing in the morning. It really sets the tone for the day. Having said that, back to the business of drinking.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Apr. 2)

I was just wondering if it’s too much to ask for the Vancouver Police that ride horses in the West End to clean up after their horses when they shit all over the ground. I mean, come on, I know that shitting on Vancouver residents and neighbourhoods is pretty much an innate characteristic of the VPD, but do they have to bring the fucking horses into it, too?
Anonymous Rantline caller (June 25)

I’d like to say that shit is biodegradeable, plastic bags are not, so I leave my dog’s shit where it lies.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Aug. 20)

DIRTY MINDS

Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate! Stupid behaviour can be prevented in men by masturbating. Perhaps in women also, but I’m not a woman. If men masturbate more, they will not make so many bad decisions, because when you need to come, when you need sex, you tend to just drive with this insanity that can take over. Try not masturbating for two weeks — you’ll understand what I mean.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Apr. 30)

This is for the asshole who laughed in my face when I asked for a loaf of dill-dough bread at my local organic specialty baker. Is it all about sex, you immature wanker?
Steve (Apr. 30)

People, people, stop scowling at strangers! My god, what is wrong? It’s summertime, the sun is shining, we’re all gorgeous and suntan-horny! It’s, like, guys: smile at strangers! [Get a] supply of latex and have some fun!
Anonymous Rantline caller (June 4)

Thank you to all the wives and girlfriends who stopped having sex with their men and who don’t give blowjobs — because men love them! This is your happy neighbourhood hooker.
“Sexy Girl,” Rantline caller (Dec. 3)

HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE

F—! Deodorant! Use it! I don’t know what’s going to happen the next time I’m on a f—ing bus and you smell like a f—ing putrid, lurid piece of shite! (Shouting) USE IT! CLEANLINESS! HYGIENE! WHAT’S IT GOING TO TAKE? WHY DO YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE LIKE THAT? INSANITY! CHAOS!
Anonymous Rantline caller (Mar. 5)

If all the girls and young women using TransLink dropped the word “like” from their vocabulary, there would be enough energy conserved to run the system for two years.
Leland (May 7)

All loud motorbikes are ridden by three-year-olds who never grew past the fart stage.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Aug. 13)

Is there anybody out there who can explain why so many lawyers are such scumbags?
Anonymous Rantline caller (Sept. 3)

Don’t forget: people are stupid.
Scott, Rantline caller (Nov. 26)

OUR CITY, OUR SELVES

I just thought of an Olympic spin-off that could add some local flavour to the 2010 Winter Games. We could have to Hobolympics, with featured events like the Dumpster Dive; the Smash-and-Grab; and my personal favourite, the Drunken, Incoherent, Demon-Possessed Babble Marathon.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Apr. 9)

I, for one, am really upset about East Hastings getting all prettied up. Now where am I gonna go when I want to pretend I’m in the music video for “Thriller”?
Anonymous Rantline caller (June 11)

I’m inspired and disappointed at the same time. I’m just walking to the 7-Eleven, and there’s this homeless man cramming a hot dog down his mouth, but he still was working. He still managed to ask me for change, even with food flying out of his mouth. I wish my employees had that kind of work ethic.
Anonymous Rantline caller (July 16)

The other day at work, a car caught on fire in the parking lot, and I called 911. The operator asked what the emergency was. I said, “There’s a car on fire here; can you please send the fire department immediately? It could blow up at any minute here.” Then the operator was like, “Can you describe the car?” I’m like, “Well, yeah, it’s the one that’s ON FIRE!” Like, seriously?
Anonymous Rantline caller (Dec. 3)

TAKIN' CARE OF BUSINESS

I’m a career waiter, and I have a rant against the rubes who like to come in while we’re full, got a line-up out the door, and then maybe the food takes a little extra time or whatever, and then you have the nerve to say (in mock-snooty voice), “Well, I just don’t see how difficult this is. Nyeeeeeuuuh!” Well, you know what? I don’t see how difficult your fucking job is, doing data entry or whatever the hell it is you do. There’s a lot of shit going on! Go home and eat a Hungry Man! Eat a hungry man’s dick! Choke on it and die! Merry Christmas.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Mar. 26)

Damn it! I’m in the middle of trying to call in sick to work, explaining that I’ve got some food poisoning, when in reality I’m just wanting to be out drinking. I’m in a parking lot, and I’m about to close the deal, and then a woman’s car alarm goes off. And it’s like, “If you’re so sick, why are you in a parking lot?” Fuck my life.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Sept. 10)

I’m a volunteer spooker at the Dunbar Haunted House. It’s a blast! This note is mostly on a serious note, though. I wanted to apologize for scaring the crap out of this person on Friday night. They were in hysterics — they lost it! I couldn’t see super-well through my mask, and didn’t know they were crying. I guess I should have stopped chasing them after time number four. I tried to make good by offering some chocolate off my big butcher knife (not a real two-foot butcher knife). I felt a bit bad about that one. Your friends didn’t really want to help you, though. Geez, I was there for you. After all that madness, my night was made! A family came through: Laura, Michael, and their dad. I tried to scare Laura (four years old), and all she did was come up to me, stare at me, and in a quiet voice say, “I love you.” That made my night. Happy Halloween!
Giggles the Clown (Oct. 22)

I’m a bartender. Telling me how you used to be a server or a bartender many moons ago is not very impressive. You wanna impress me? Tip like a fuckin’ rock star.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Dec. 3)

RANTS ABOUT RANTS

Can you expand Rant/Rave? It is really funny and usually true.
Harlan (Mar. 5)

You want to know what chaps my hide? You! Yes, you! Sitting there reading WE, hoping to get a laugh out of this Rant/Rave section. That fucking chaps my hide! Here I am, working my job, trying to be nice, and you’re sitting there reading the paper, laughing out loud at the stupid idiots babbling about nothing in this Rant/Rave section. YOU CHAP MY HIDE!
Hoffa (Oct. 22)

Thank you to Rant/Rave for providing a valuable service. I might be walking around kicking cats and shouting swears at innocent passersby if it wasn’t for you.
Anonymous Rantline Caller (Nov. 5)

When I read the rants, it just leaves me with one conclusion: that Vancouver is possibly the most hateful city I’ve ever lived in.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Nov. 19)

LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

Hey, I just woke up this morning after having a giant picnic at the beach [followed by] a sunset swim, and I’ve woken up to get coffee with friends, and I just wanted to say that we live in the greatest city in the world.
Tristan, Rantline caller (Sept. 3)

English Bay is probably the most breathtaking thing I’ve ever seen. It’s enough to make me want to forget dog shit, and bicycles and bicycle lanes — the lack of or need for. Go outside, Vancouver. Take a look. This is awesome.
Anonymous Rantline caller (Sept. 10)

I’m in bed with two really lovely ladies (He’s not lying! They say hello, too! —Ed.), and I just want to say I love Vancouver very, very much.
Anonymous Rantline Caller (Nov. 5)

RANTIEST RANT OF THE YEAR

This is a note to all those young women walking down the sidewalk, eyes glues to their stupid texting gadgets, not looking where they are going:
F— you. F— you and your trendy boots. F— you and your vapid, angst-ridden blank stares, F— you for bashing into me because you’re texting your BFF about your latest vaginal infection. F— you and the BlackBerry you rode into town on. And f— you and your empty little heads, replete with catchy, meaningless phrases you gleaned from whatever the latest stupid, trendy show is nowadays. F— you and your f—tard texting friends who are single-handedly destroying what’s left of an already culturally bereft society. F— you and your inability to make even the faintest attempt at making human contact. F— you and your blank, insipid, dour, “I’m trying to be a model, so I can’t smile at you or make eye contact because I’m a soulless, succubus, banshee from hell who has got only fashion to look forward to” expression on your face. Just f— you all to hell, because that’s what you’re creating here for the rest of us. Think about it: Where does it all end? Your life is a fad — that’s it! That’s as deep as it goes. “Cool” is an unending variable that will never have a nice tidy sum at the end of it all. It’s all meaningless, because you don’t have a clue who you are and why you’re here. Life isn’t a beer commercial; life isn’t about how cool your clothes are, you superficial twat, or how you look, act, and talk just like all the rest of the sheeple. Argh! You are so boring! It’s about love, you f—ing retards! Wake up!
Tough Love Gord (Nov. 19)