CURIOUS TIMES: It’s confirmed! Sex cures everything!

A weekly roundup of newsbites from the Truth is Stranger than Fiction department.

By Andreas Ohrt

SEX, THE MIRACLE CURE! I’m not sure how the drug companies are going to take this one away from us, but it seems that sex is the ultimate cure-all for whatever might ail you. In an article titled “25 Ailments That Can Be Cured By Having Sex,” the author briefly touches on scientific research that links sex to some of the most common medical conditions of our time. For example, sex cures depression, thanks to a chemical in semen that makes women happier; sex cures headaches by releasing tension in the blood vessels of the brain; sex can relieve the pain and inflammation of arthritis (according to what must be a terrific book, How to Treat Arthritis with Sex and Alcohol); sex stimulates the immune system and helps fight off the common cold; sex boosts testosterone, which helps build bones and muscles; sex helps relax people enough to cure insomnia; sex releases endorphins and oxytocins, which help cure a hangover; men who have sex more than twice a week have a lower risk of heart attack; and sex is a form of exercise, which burns calories and strengthens the heart. Enjoy! (Examiner.com)

I SEE A HUGE PHONE BILL IN YOUR FUTURE: The current economic crisis might have you searching for a recession-proof career, so why not try to become a psychic? According to Wired.com, psychics are doing booming business, thanks to the turmoil in the marketplace. “People are more depressed, and I can easily make $150 to $200 a day,” bragged one online psychic interviewed for the story. Professor Gita Johar of the Columbia Business School said the upturn in psychic trade happens every time the economy takes a hit. “If the future is uncertain, people turn to psychics,” he explained. “You have an illusion that you can then control the outcome. People want the illusion of control.”

“MORE FOOD, YOU CRAZY BITCH?” The search for the perfect Christmas present for that crazy cat lady on your list is over. Hit up Amazon.com, where you can purchase a book called Do Cats Have ESP?, in which author Jeane Dixon explains her contention that cats give her information about the future through telepathic communication. If that isn’t enough to get you to throw down your hard-earned cash, the book also includes a special section of horoscopes for your cat, which explains that Leo cats are shy and Sagittarius cats are candid with their opinions.

NOTHING’S SCARIER THAN A BORED MATH GEEK: According to horror-movie-loving math geeks, the perfect equation for making a scary film is (es+u+cs+t) squared +s+ (tl+f)/2 + (a+dr+fs)/n + sin x - 1. Got it? If you’re a wannabe slasher-lick director, follow along closely: escalating music (ec) plus the unknown (u) plus chase scenes (cs) plus the sense of being trapped (t) squared plus shock (s) plus true life (tl) and fantasy (f) added together and divided by two, plus whether the characters are alone (a) or in the dark (dr), plus the film setting (fs) divided by the number of people in the film (n). Lastly, add blood and guts (sin x) and subtract 1 for every stereotype. Whew! What a load of crap. But anyway, this equation supposedly proves that the most perfect horror film ever made is The Shining. (The Guardian)

WHAT ARE YOU, THE JOKER? The mayor of Batman, Turkey (yes, it’s an actual place), plans to sue Warner Bros., the company that owns the Batman character, for an undisclosed amount of the royalties from The Dark Knight. “There is only one Batman in the world,” says mayor Huseyin Kalkan. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.” His lawsuit also claims that the psychological impact of the film has caused a number of unsolved murders and a higher-than-usual rate of suicide among the women of his town since the movie premiered. (Variety)

THIS IS YOU BRAIN ON MIND CONTROL: The mayor of Batman isn’t the only one filing unwinnable litigation. Jerry Rose,a man in Nanaimo, B.C., is seeking $2 billion in damages from Microsoft, Telus, Wal-Mart, and the RCMP for mind-control harassment and invasive brainwave experiments. “I think this is akin to someone saying they sustained injuries because their boat fell off the edge of the world,” says Jennifer Millbank, the lawyer representing Microsoft. “My clients ought not to be subjected to what is a nuisance lawsuit.” But the judge didn’t agree, claiming that while the case was certainly bizarre, there was nothing in the claim that could not be litigated. Along with the charges of mind control, Rose also charges the defendants with satanic rituals, witchcraft, and stealing a computer technology that he invented. (Vancouver Sun)

TRY FINING THE PEOPLE WHO GIVE THEM MONEY: The city of Chattanooga, Tennessee, has discovered the obvious: panhandlers don’t have any money. Since implementing a law in May of 2007 which imposes a fine for panhandling, only about three per cent of those fines have been paid. (Chattanooga Times Free Press)

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK: Thirty-three per cent of people on diets end up being heavier than before they started.

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