Britney Spears: Who's her daddy in 2009?

Credit: supplied

PREDICTIONS 2009

For our fourth annual Predictions special, WE invited back last year’s panel of celebrity gossip experts — Susie Wall (eTalk), Lainey (LaineyGossip.com and eTalk) and Erin Cebula (Entertainment Tonight Canada) — who have looked ahead to 2009 and come back with their visions for the coming 12 months. Romance and rehab, break-ups and burnouts... as always in the world of showbiz, if these forecasts prove accurate, this year is going to be a wild ride!

CELEBRITY RELATIONSHIPS!

Which celebrities are going to hook up in ’09?
Susie Wall: Mary Kate Olsen and Marc Anthony. Did the hair on your arms just stand up? Creepy.
Lainey: Britney Spears and Mickey Rourke. At the Oscars.
Erin Cebula: Kate Hudson and one, maybe two, of her exes. And Britney Spears and Simon Cowell! Simon thinks “Britney’s in awe of him,” and the pop tart probably is. I wish them luck.

Which celebrity couple is going to have the most talked about break-up?
SW: Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer — except the media won’t need to research it, because in his trademark Judy-Blume-slash-teenage-girl style, Mayer will chirp the boring details to the press, and Jennifer will launch another “My life’s great!” cover campaign by early summer.
L: Tom Cruise and Will Smith.
EC: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel — because he’s still mine, damn it!

Who’s going to reproduce, and what will they name their celebspawn?
SW: Shania Twain and Frederic Thiebaud (a.k.a. the estranged husband of the current lover of Twain’s ex-husband, Mutt Lange) will have a revenge baby. They all moved to Switzerland, and though I don’t know the word in Schweiz deutche, it translates to “Go fug yourself, Mutt.”
L: Miley Cyrus. It will be named Jailbait.
EC: I predict Jennifer Aniston will finally prove the tabloids right and get on the baby train. But I’d be surprised if John Mayer will be invited along for the ride.

FAME AND FORTUNE!

Who will be breakout star of ’09?
SW: Gregor Robertson. No contest.
L: Taylor Kitsch, who plays Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights and Gambit in the upcoming X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
EC: Based on box-office stats alone, Twilight star Robert Pattison is going to be bloody huge in 2009!

Who will be the next Canadian to hit the big time?
SW: Vancouver actor Callum Keith Rennie will hit it big and become Hollywood’s favourite new middle-aged, bad-boy heartthrob. But wait! He can really act, too. So I hope that doesn’t hurt his odds.
L: [Kelowna-born Vancouverite] Taylor Kitsch.
EC: Malin Akerman has quietly been establishing herself as Canada’s Cameron Diaz, with solid roles in The Heartbreak Kid and 27 Dresses [and in the upcoming Watchmen]. This former model and rocker has comedic timing and legs that go on for miles. She can’t lose!

Whose career will hit the skids?
SW: Dean McDermott. Just kidding. That was mean.
L: Zac Efron. He wears too much lip gloss.
EC: I’ve never actually seen The Hills, but I predict, or perhaps hope, that those strange Hollywood robots, Spencer and Heidi, will disappear in 2009.

Who’s making a miraculous comeback?
SW: Amy Winehouse will find the Lord, move to Mel Gibson’s compound in Malibu, and start wearing Uggs and Juicy tracksuits to lunch at Nobu.
L: Winona Ryder. It’s not like she was wheeled out of her house on a gurney or anything. What’s a little shoplifting?
EC: Patrick Swayze is not only beating cancer, he’s about to win back legions of Dirty Dancing fans with a role as an aging rock star in the highly anticipated new flick, Powder Blue. Nobody puts Swayze in the corner!

SCANDAL!

Who will be Hollywood’s next trainwreck, or which current trainwreck will continue his/her dominance?
SW: I’m getting a strong vibe that Will and Jada’s actor-son, Jaden, is next. All he needs to do is meet a Brandon Davis or Cisco Adler type, then it’s game over.
L: Avril Lavigne, because she’s totally run out of talent. It’s the only move left to save her career.
EC: I saw Miley Cyrus and her enormous ego strut down a red carpet recently, and mmmm, that girl is gonna crash and burn if she’s not careful.

Who’s going to jail? Why?
SW: Sorry, Paula fans. If you add up the public debauchery, the bizarre personal goings-on, and the heinous wardrobe choices, Abdul’s just totally due for a droopy-eyed mugshot and a trip to the grey-bars hotel.
L: Miley Cyrus, for setting fire to her dad’s hair.
EC: Jason Lewis played sweet Smith in Sex and the City, but in reality he’s no saint. I predict a D.U.I. for the kind of man who sticks his tongue out at reporters at a breast cancer fundraiser.

Who’s off to rehab? Why?
SW: Spencer Pratt will fake a “personal issue he needs to confront” because he’ll panic when he runs out of ways to get his photo into the ‘Hot Pics’ section of Us Weekly.
L: Miley Cyrus, because she’ll get knocked up in jail.
EC: I thought we had reached the Hollywood Bad Girl apex last year, but there seems to be a fresh new crop for 2009. Take your pick — there are plenty of girls with too much money and too little grey matter to choose from.

Who’s publicity machine will be working overtime this year, and what will it be trying to cover up?
L: Nicole Kidman. Her forehead has officially become a glacier.
EC: First, Justin Timberlake wrote a mean song about her (2007’s “What Goes Around...”), and now she’s being called “sloppy seconds” by an NHL goon. I’d bet Elisha Cuthbert’s people are, and will be, working overtime.

What Vancouver notable will find themselves embroiled in a scandal, and what will that scandal be?
L: Riaz Meghji [Vancouver-born entertainment reporter for Rogers TV in Toronto, and brother of eTalk reporter Zain]. He had lipo.

TRENDS!

What’s shaping up to be the next Hollywood trend?
SW: Depression-era chic, especially if the Screen Actors’ Guild strike happens. But it will have a Tinseltown twist: floppy hats, heavy knits, long trenchcoats — except everything will still come bedazzled with grommets and Swarovski crystals.
L: Working with animals.
EC: Short, sexy hair for women; long, flowing locks for men.

Which trend will die a merciful death?
SW: Sadly, the shoe-bootie (pronounced sha-booty) will trip and fall into the 10-karat gutters along L.A.’s celebrity stroll, Robertson Boulevard.
L: The Hills, God willing. And not eating — but that one’s doubtful. Food will never be accepted in Hollywood.
EC: “Baby bump” stories. Even 17-year-old actresses are being asked about their plans for children. It’s yucky and I hope it dies.

*****

CIVIC INSANITY!

Will Quatchi have his revenge on Vancouver’s souring Olympic dream? Will Mayor Robertson “pull a Palin”? And how often will the public be volleying F-bombs at equally belligerent politicians? WE consulted esteemed local bloggers Rebecca Bollwitt (Miss604.com) and CondoHype (CondoHype.wordpress.com) for their forecasts of city politics in 2009.

What will be Mayor Gregor Robertson’s first major gaffe on City Council?
Rebecca Bollwitt: Cambie Street will be entirely closed to vehicle traffic in order to facilitate a toboggan run for council — Super Saucers and GT Snow Racers welcome... Okay, that actually sounds kind of awesome.
CondoHype: Gregor has his Sarah Palin moment when, in a TV interview, he describes paying property tax as “evidence” of his civic policy experience. The clip is a YouTube sensation.

What will be the next flavour of Happy Planet juice, and to what extent will it be inspired by the ‘flavours’ of Vancouver City Council chambers?
RB: What better way to illustrate how Robertson embraced social media during his campaign than to simply rename the entire company ‘Hapi,’ since removing vowels, consonants, and making sure you’re under 140 characters is paramount in Web 2.0.
CH: In a bid to non-partisanship, Happy Planet will introduce the NPA-inspired “Crème de la crème” fruit-and-dairy cappuccino. Sales are limited to doctors and lawyers living along the Arbutus corridor.

It’s been a dramatic year in Vancouver politics. Former mayor Sam Sullivan was ousted from seeking re-election with the NPA when Peter Ladner decided to run against him, resulting in deep fractures in Vancouver’s oldest civic party.
Meanwhile, BC Liberal MLA Lorne Mayencourt left his provincial seat to run federally with the Conservatives in Vancouver Centre, punctuating his campaign with a particularly colourful debate in the West End that resulted in Mayencourt yelling at the crowd while the audience retorted with several “fuck you”s. Most recently, longtime city manager Judy Rogers has been replaced at the dawn of the new Vision-dominated council. What do you see in the future for Lorne, Sam, and Judy?
RB: Sam will invite the others to help him expand his band, Spinal Chord. They’ll headline Canada Day in Surrey, thereby upsetting Loverboy’s Graceland.
CH: Lorne performs a repeat of his 2004 publicity stunt, in which he went undercover as a street person in a bid to better understand homelessness. After three days, a stubble-faced Mayencourt will emerge at Main and Hastings to announce his candidacy for the NPA. F-bombs fly like grenades. Sam Sullivan is appointed to the Canadian Senate and forges an unlikely friendship with Larry Campbell. The pair bond over whiskey and pen a “buddy-mayor” movie in the tradition of Rush Hour. David Cronenberg directs. Like any good Vancouver city official, J-Rog’s future lies in Dubai. Vancouver honours her service by bestowing her name on a condo. In protest, a frustrated Larry Beasley takes his name off The Beasley. 

Will the Downtown Ambassadors still be patrolling the streets by the end of 2009, red jackets and all?
RB: Since they’re part of the tourism industry, they’re not going away. There will be more of them, and they’ll be on Segways.
CH: The Downtown Ambassadors are gone, but another red-jacket army takes their place: realtors.

When and if the Olympic Village bursts into flames before 2010, what will be found among the charred remains: a time capsule containing the lyrics to “The Power of the Dream,” a fireproof cheque for another $100-million loan, the unfortunate skeleton of a fifth Olympic mascot, or a combination of the three?
RB: All of the above, along with a secret document approving women’s ski jumping, and Expo Ernie crying a single tear.
CH: None of the above. Expect a hairless Quatchi clutching Raymond Louie’s swipe-card and a copy of Peter Ladner’s in-camera briefing note. Upon capture, the belligerent sasquatch shouts, “I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”