RANT/RAVE (Week of Jan. 28)

False advertising
TransLink is like a transvestite prostitute that has lured VANOC as a customer. Now that the clothes are off, TransLink cannot deliver the service that VANOC was wanting. Maybe we should just call them TrannyLink.
Anonymous Rantline caller

Face value
This rant is addressed to all those people out there sporting unsightly moles on their faces. For Christ’s sake, people, go to a good plastic surgeon and get the mole removed, like I did. I had four removed from my face. You can’t even see where they were — no visible scar. If your GP thinks the mole is suspicious, as far as I know you don’t pay anything. Otherwise, it’s cosmetic surgery; it doesn’t cost a lot of money. Do yourself a favour, get the moles removed. I don’t like looking at ’em. Sometimes they’re as big as pencil-tip erasers. Wake up. You’ll be glad you took my advice.
Mark, Rantline caller

Better late than never
Wow. I don’t watch television, listen to the radio or even read newspapers, but I just found out the Olympics are coming to Vancouver! That’s incredible! And it’s only a couple of weeks away! And so, I’m assuming, of course, governments always tell us to be careful and don’t overcharge our credit cards and stuff — so I’m assuming this is all paid for! And we’re in for, like, an incredibly exciting event! I’m looking forward to meeting all the new people that are gonna be flocking to Vancouver and saying hello to them and maybe making some new friends! Wow! I’m really thrilled about all this! Absolutely! I just found out about this today! I love it! Thank you! This is wonderful! The Olympics are coming! Wow!
Anonymous Rantline caller

Sideways glance
Dear TransLink bus drivers: You assbags have almost killed me for the second time this year. I understand we must yield for you and it’s the law, and I will happily yield for you if I see a turn signal while I’m [behind you], but when my vehicle is [halfway past] your bus, turning left immediately without looking is not the proper way to drive a vehicle. I know you guys have a pretty thankless job and everyone shits on you, but for fuckin’ the love of God, use your rearview mirror!
Anonymous Rantline caller

Back in black
Please, Vancouverites, add some bling to your winter wear! That black jacket looks great on you — too bad motorists can’t see you AT ALL, and that’s when it isn’t raining! MEC sells a pack of reflective stickers for five bucks. Slap one on your coat and maybe it will save your life.
Anonymous