RANT/RAVE (Week of Nov. 19)

“Axe” to grind
I just want to say I hear a lot of people mispronouncing the word ask. There’s no ‘X’ in the word ask. Say it as it’s [spelled]: “ask,” not “axe.” Axe is A-X-E; ask is A-S-K. Wow. Brilliant.
Anonymous Rantline caller

Career advice
Oh, yeah, hi there. My name is Brent. I’m a sous chef; I work at the Eldorado. Today we’ve got stew on for four dollars, Greek lasagna for $7.50. And, anyways, um, a friend of mine, Diane, was in one of Ashton Kutcher’s movies — I think Marrying the Boss’s Daughter [My Boss’s Daughter, actually —Googling Ed.], and we went to cooking school together, and I worked on lots of films myself. But anyways, I’m phoning to bitch about Ashton Kutcher, and it’s really hard to because, you know, we work in the industry and you’re not supposed to complain about their movies. But he makes great TV — I love That ’70s Show, love Punk’d — but his movies, those romantic comedies or whatever they are, stink. Stinkbombs. All of them. Terrible, terrible. He needs to do some serious big-budget drama or war movies... Of course, co-starring me.
Rantline caller

Customer disservice
Davie and Denman. An elderly South Asian lady is booting it up the hill as fast as her stooped posture and walker will allow. She is determined to catch the first of three buses idling in front of Tim Hortons. She arrives, asks the driver to open the door, he looks at her, shakes his head, and points to the bus behind his. Several more seconds elapse. He drives off as I curse him loudly. I complain to the next driver, who witnessed this. He says, unsympathetically, that as a driver with 20 years’ experience, he has seen this often. I say, “So have I, and I’m sick of it.” Driverless trains? No problem. Driverless buses? Not possible. Too damn bad. In Sicily they say, “The fish rots from the head first.” TransLink is one rotten fish from head to assholes.
Anonymous Rantline caller

Dying to give
Vancouver does not support artists. Here is an idea for you to help. If you have no family or heirs, leave your estate and money to a number of different artists. They might actually be able to pay the rent, buy some food, turn on the heat, etc. Thank you from artists everywhere.
Anonymous Rantline caller

License to offend
What’s the deal with these vanity license plates? Do they actually still exist? I don’t care what you put on your plate — all I see is DOUCHEBAG!
Anonymous Rantline caller

Aloha, suckers
Regarding “broken-record anti-Olympics cancers” [“Damned if we do,” Nov. 12]: Let me feed you some common sense, Chris. I am a white male in his forties who is proud to be born and raised, as my father was, in British Columbia. I own guns, fishing rods, a pick-up truck, have several tattoos, and have worked hard all my life to now consistently make over $100,000 a year. I loathe vegans even more than beggars and born-again Christians, but I digress. I’m just trying to put across the idea that it’s not only the career protesters and the dirty hippies that hate the thought of these inevitable Olympics. It’s also the average hard-working BC’er who has just enough spark left in their brain to not be bowled over by the media spin and Gordo’s propaganda machine, [and] to see the lack of common sense being perpetuated by our greedy little government full of corporate whores. I don’t want to be part of a society that closes schools, fucks over its paramedics, and lets children starve while planning and executing a two-week party for the rich, mostly out of my pocket. So, I’ll be in Hawaii for all of February while you watch the Olympics on TV.
Scott

Crossing paths
My wife and I were walking west on the sidewalk along Beach Avenue, and a man on a bicycle came whizzing past, forcing us to jump out of the way. He shouted at us, “Get the fuck off the pathway,” to which we immediately yelled back, “Fuck you.” It was a nice sunny day, and I can’t imagine why the cyclist would not swerve around us. It’s called a sidewalk for a reason. The next time you try that, bub, you’re getting a straight-arm and you’re going down. Unbelievable! And we’re “welcoming the world” in a few months ?
Robert

Original soundtrack
There’s only one thing more annoying than going to a bar and listening to their bullshit Top 40 lame-ass satellite station they have on, and that’s when the bartenders take it upon themselves to bring in their own iPods with their dumb-ass playlists. It wouldn’t be so bad, but if you’re gonna do that, make a playlist that suits the room, y’know? I don’t want to go to some European-style bistro and listen to fuckin’ Bob Marley!
Anonymous Rantline caller

Stop or go?
I live down on Alberni Street, around the Denman area. There was a new light put in, down at Alberni and Denman, right before the summer. The question I have for the city is, do you plan on turning it on anytime soon? Thank you.
Anonymous Rantline caller

I know what you ate
Will people please stop opening pizza-slice places on Granville Street? There are enough already, and the amount of pepperoni-flecked vomit on the street on Saturday and Sunday mornings is really unappetizing.
Bob

One angry f—ing rant
This is a note to all those young women walking down the sidewalk, eyes glues to their stupid texting gadgets, not looking where they are going:
F— you. F— you and your trendy boots. F— you and your vapid, angst-ridden blank stares, F— you for bashing into me because you’re texting your BFF about your latest vaginal infection. F— you and the BlackBerry you rode into town on. And f— you and your empty little heads, replete with catchy, meaningless phrases you gleaned from whatever the latest stupid, trendy show is nowadays. F— you and your f—tard texting friends who are single-handedly destroying what’s left of an already culturally bereft society. F— you and your inability to make even the faintest attempt at making human contact. F— you and your blank, insipid, dour, “I’m trying to be a model, so I can’t smile at you or make eye contact because I’m a soulless, succubus, banshee from hell who has got only fashion to look forward to” expression on your face. Just f— you all to hell, because that’s what you’re creating here for the rest of us. Think about it: Where does it all end? Your life is a fad — that’s it! That’s as deep as it goes. “Cool” is an unending variable that will never have a nice tidy sum at the end of it all. It’s all meaningless, because you don’t have a clue who you are and why you’re here. Life isn’t a beer commercial; life isn’t about how cool your clothes are, you superficial twat, or how you look, act, and talk just like all the rest of the sheeple. Argh! You are so boring! It’s about love, you f—ing retards! Wake up!
Tough Love Gord

The end
When I read the rants, it just leaves me with one conclusion: that Vancouver is possibly the most hateful city I’ve ever lived in.
Anonymous Rantline caller